Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
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Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.