Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
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I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work