AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
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[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My blood type is b hungry.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”