Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 馃檮
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you鈥檙e not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
How about daylight saves us for once
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn鈥檛 know anyone so we couldn鈥檛 join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you鈥檙e good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn鈥檛 you tell me there鈥檚 cheese in my hair
Him: you didn鈥檛 ask about your hair
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that鈥檚 weird, I dunno what it could be
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE鈥橰E LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can鈥檛 stop laughing.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she鈥檚 a keeper.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go