One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
You Might Also Like
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
S/o to @funTweeters .
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Ion see the issue
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in