My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
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I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Baking is just science you can eat.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”