I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
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this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
The struggle is real.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.