After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
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Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.