So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
You Might Also Like
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler