My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
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Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
they split up moments later
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
You know…for fall…
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.