“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
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me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Rt to bother an English speaker
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?