They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
welcome back
LMAO.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
This checks out
How do horror writers compete with current events?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you