Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
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*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Me, flirting😏
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.