Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
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Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta: