Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
You Might Also Like
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
hear me out : pockets for your socks
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
thanksgiving in nutshell
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.