My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
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I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point