Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
You Might Also Like
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
just witnessed a drug deal
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”