Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
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Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.