He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
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If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I’m just playing devils avocado here
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now