As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
You Might Also Like
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.