Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
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Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old