Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
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Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Mmmm canned fish.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
me adding lol on a serious message