did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
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Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days