“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
You Might Also Like
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Omg 🤣
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Ain’t no way
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie