Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
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Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap