Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
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I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.