Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
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Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Found my door mat
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.