sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
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One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes