Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
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I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
[shakes fist at other fist]
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.