Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…