We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!