“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
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Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
How to make infinite energy.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing