taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
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mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Sounds like a bargain
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
me hitting on a model
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid