*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
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I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
The three genders
next question.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.