Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
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Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Sponch
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
#TopTip
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.