So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
You Might Also Like
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs