Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
IT’S-A ME,
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity