[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
God, I love Scotland
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
All food is good if you spell it wrong
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on