Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
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CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
🤣🤣