Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
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Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
The news in a nutshell.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
it was love at first sight
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
the battle rages on
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer