Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Lmfao
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.