By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
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Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you