Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
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just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Money is the root of all wealth
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]