I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
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I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.