i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I hope it’s French Onion!
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me