I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
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figuring out my emotional availability:
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
cat faces on other animals, a thread
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.