McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
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I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.