Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
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What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
i’m sure it’s fine
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!