If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
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Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.