Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.